Age: 18 Late at night — I should be sleeping.. I don’t know why I feel like writing tonight. Maybe because if I don’t write this somewhere, my chest will feel too full to sleep. There’s something strange happening to me lately. And it’s about Matsu. I don’t know when it started. Maybe it was gradual. Maybe it was today. But something feels different. Every time Matsu hugs me, I feel it. Every time he calls my name in that soft voice. Every time he makes sure I’ve eaten properly, or reminds me not to overtrain. When we practice together and he corrects my stance, standing so close behind me My heart reacts. It beats harder. Faster. It’s not unpleasant. It just feels… overwhelming. Like my chest can’t contain it. Today, after training, when he said he was going home, I don’t know what happened to me. It felt like something inside me dropped. My eyes even started to sting. I didn’t want him to leave yet. I wanted to keep talking. Keep walking beside him. Just… stay. I almost cried. That’s embarrassing to admit. So I made a bit of a scene instead. And he sighed and picked me up like I weigh nothing and said, “Fine, you’re coming with me.” The moment he did that I felt so happy I thought I might burst. It was such a simple thing. Just being allowed to stay by his side a little longer. But it made me happier than anything else today. What is this feeling? It doesn’t have a name. At least, not one I understand.It’s just friendship? i never had friends before..but i know This feels deeper then to be.. Warmer. Scarier. When he smiles at me, I feel proud. When he praises me, I want to try harder. When he looks at someone else for too long, I feel something sharp and uncomfortable. And when he hugs me… I don’t ever want him to let go. Is this normal? Is this what growing up feels like? I don’t know what to call it. But I know one thing. If Matsu ever walked away from me for good I think my heart would break. That’s dramatic. I know. But it feels true. For now, I’ll keep this secret here. Between me and these pages. Because I don’t think I’m ready to say it out loud yet. …But whatever this feeling is It makes me want to stay by his side. Always.